Empathy and Ownership are two of our strongest pillars of connection. Imagine with me for a moment you are standing in front of a raging river. The water is high on the banks, lapping over in places. It’s moving so swiftly that anything caught in its current is whisked away, unable to resist. This is a river you would not want to attempt crossing, but you need to. On the other end is something incredibly important to you.
My experience with ownership & Empathy
As a couple’s therapist, this is an image that often crosses my mind when I’m sitting in front of a couple that is caught in pain and isolation. I can see and feel that they desperately need each other. That all they want is to get back to the same side of that raging river, yet have no idea how to do that. Every time they try, one or both of them ends up falling in, nearly drowning.
Over the last few months, I have been thinking about this experience that so many of us have in our relationships (be it a romantic one or not). “Surely,” I’ve thought to myself, “there has to be a reliable way to cross that terrifying river.” As I’ve been in that water with the couples in my office, here are two concepts I keep coming back to that can help us to build a bridge over the river.
Ownership and Empathy
Disclaimer: what I’m about to share, on the surface, appears very simple. And that’s because it is! Yet, simple does NOT mean easy. So please, don’t read this and think that it will be a cakewalk. Use these concepts as guides on your way to creating the relationship you want and need, understanding that you may need more time or more guidance (like from a therapist) to get there. With that said, go ahead and read on.
These two concepts for me, are like two pillars that create the foundation for the bridge that will eventually lead to you being able to cross this raging river of disconnection. With them, you will find it easier to get there, along with the other things that will eventually make up this bridge that we are talking about.
What is Ownership?
I define ownership as “taking personal responsibility for your emotions, thoughts, and actions.” It’s being able to say to your partner, “Look, I can see that I screwed up and how that affected you. I know that I was feeling _________ and thinking __________ which led to me __________.”
The power of ownership is that it prevents you from getting lost in what many therapists call the blame cycle. If you can take ownership of your stuff, then you don’t need to blame your partner for what you are feeling, thinking, or doing. It’s yours, after all, not theirs! Blame stops couples in their tracks because it leads to both people putting up walls of defensiveness.
Apologizing
Some feel that an apology is needed within the ownership process; I don’t necessarily agree with that. An apology or similar may follow your ownership, but not necessarily. Trust me, an apology can be a great thing; just remember that sometimes apologizing can actually get in the way of our ownership. This is because it can be a subtle way of skirting over the hard stuff by trying to jump straight to “moving on”. Apologies are best suited for after resolution and can help along the way, depending on the situation.
So, when conflict arises in your relationship, remember to start with yourself by taking complete ownership.
WHat is Empathy?
I define empathy as, “perspective taking of your partner’s emotions, thoughts, and actions”. Essentially, being able to take a step into their shoes and seeing things from their perspective. You don’t have to know exactly what they are feeling (at least not on the same level as them), but you do need to be with them in their stuff.
This doesn’t mean that you need to approve of or validate the things they do to hurt you. It means that you can say, “I can see the good reason(s) why you feel, think, and/or react in the ways you do.” This becomes much easier to do when your partner has already taken ownership of their stuff.
This type of empathy allows us to step into a space of compassion where we want to invite the other person for connection where previously we were pushing them away. In this sense, ownership says, “I can see my part and want to move to you,” and empathy says, “I can see your part and want you to move to me.”
Next Steps for you
I hope that these are concepts you can apply to your relationship today! Remember, these things may sound simple, but they are very hard to implement, especially in the moment. So, be kind to yourself. Be patient that it will take time. And, if you feel like you need additional support in bringing ownership and empathy into your relationship, please let us know by reaching out.
If you are looking for therapy in Utah, check out Cache Valley Counseling. Give us a call at 435-535-3169 and we can help get your resources.
Written by Spencer Dutson, LMFT, CEFT, and EMDR Trained Therapist