Kids are just such…KIDS! They can be whiny, messy, loud, energetic, and independent. Then other days, they can be sweet, loving, grateful, and even nice.
Kids love seeing their parents get along, so why does it often seem that kids are increasing the strains in marriage?
DO KIDS INCREASE MARRIAGE PROBLEMS?
Kids, like you, will do what it takes to survive. Sometimes, survival for kids simply means getting what they want. They’ll do what it takes to get what they want – cry, scream, sneak out, anything.
When kids are struggling with an issue, it can be difficult for parents to know how to deal with or manage that issue. Each parent typically has different ideas of how to deal with it.
For example, one parent may say “kids are kids let them do what they want,” one may want to track their phone and catch them in the lies, all while your mother-in-law is chiming in with her way “you should ground them, take away privileges, keep the keys, that’s what worked on you.”
These differences may make it hard for the couple to work together. When parents don’t know how to work as a team to parent, it causes marriage problems.
HOW DIFFERENCES CAN INCREASE THE PROBLEMS
Kids don’t usually try to find those differences. Rather, they begin showing up little by little. When these differences are visible, kids are probably going to try to use them to their advantage.
As a kid, I knew dad trusted me to choose what movies I did or didn’t want to watch, while mom always said no to the PG-13 movies. On the other hand, dad was not excited when I got my first kiss, but mom was all kinds of giddy with me.
Early on, I learned, if I was going to the movies (or wanted to eat extra ice cream), I should always ask dad. If I wanted to stay out late with my friends, always ask mom. That way, getting a yes was more likely.
For me, like many other kids do when learning this trick, I felt quite successful. I’d figured out how to get what I wanted while still following the rules. But, on the other side of it, in my parent’s marriage, it was causing riffs.
I had permission from one parent that the other parent wouldn’t have given. It caused frustrations between the two of them. Looking back, I now understand how their relationship was affected by their differences.
However, they caught on to the frustrations it was causing much quicker.
Eventually, I noticed that the typical “yes” I was used to receiving turned into, “Let’s see what your mom says,” or “did you already ask your dad?”
Kids depend on you and need your time, attention, and love. Sometimes to express those
needs, they act out. Are your child’s behaviors the way they express that they need YOU?
Read here for more on “Improving Your Relationship with Your Kids”
TRIANGULATION
A problem these differences can cause is called triangulation. Dictionary.com defines triangulation as “A technique for establishing the distance between any two points.” The triangulation caused by the differences in my parents’ parenting was distancing them and lead to frustrations and arguing.
HOW DOES TRIANGULATION WORK?
Triangulation that hurts marital relationships happens when a husband and wife side against each other instead of with each other.
The triangulation problem that happened in my home was seen when each of my parents had different expectations about the rules and which rules were important. As one of the older kids, I was still a guinea pig as my parents were learning how to parent various ages.
By using their apparent differences to my advantage, I was actually asking one parent to side with me on certain issues, which led to my parents being on opposite sides of the issue – the one who was saying yes and the one who was saying no. It was triangulation.
Eventually, my parents caught on to what was going on and learned how to side more with each other. Instead of the expected “yes,” my parents were replying with, “Let’s see what your mom says,” or “did you already ask your dad?”
THE ROOT OF PARENTING AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
To answer the question earlier, do kids cause marriage problems? No, kids don’t cause marriage problems. If fact, many people’s overall level of life satisfaction increases when they have children (Institute for Family Studies).
However, it is still important to keep in mind that with children there is a whole new line of experiences, ages, and emotions going on in the family which can lead to more issues that are dealt with in the marriage.
Parents often need to find a better way of handling and working together through the situation.
In family counseling, the parents’ relationship is often one of the big focuses towards making positive changes. The parents’ relationship, and how they deal with the good and the hard times of life, will set the tone for the entire family.
In the end, the real marriage problem is what a couple lets happen to their relationship as they parent their child. When parents let their children’s behaviors and attitudes create a wedge between their relationship, that wedge will go deeper and deeper with every parenting conflict or misunderstanding.
WOULD COUNSELING HELP YOU?
There are many different types of relational problems that may come up as children are brought into a family and get older. Some of the problems are more focused on a specific issue a child needs help with like going through like an addiction, mental illness, taking care of themselves, etc.
What are the challenges your child is dealing with in life?
Read here for “5 Signs Your Child Needs to See a Counselor”
Other problems may come from the need to improve the parent-child relationship and how parents can help their children. When a new issue arises, many parents are unsure of how to deal with it or how to help.
There are also more problems that may come from the hurt, pain, or misunderstanding between a couple’s relationship as they work through marriage and parenting.
The variety of problems that can occur often brings uncertainty as to the best way to work through it. This is one of the reasons there are so many books, articles, and classes about marriage and parenting. Counseling is one of these valuable resources as it is specific to your family and situation.
To learn more about the services offered at Cache Valley Counseling
and how they could help you, click below: