(5-6 minute read)
You always hear the stories about the dreadful in-laws, but why all the stereotypes? Of all the reasons I can list, the one that stands out the most is that they are different from you. You grew up doing certain things your way. Your family communicated love in your way. Your family divvied up chores in a way that worked for you. Your family works the way your family works. So, what’s so bad about the in-laws? Well, they do things their way and more often than not, their way is not your way. Sometimes, it just never seems right because it’s not your family’s way – it’s not the way you saw things work for the first decades of your life.
The family you and your spouse have (whether it is the two of you or if there are kids involved), is your family. You will do things your own way. There may be similarities with the way you both grew up, but overall, your family is unique to you. The in-laws will always be different and have different expectations than you and your spouse. Here are some healthy ways to deal with those differences.
1: Put Your Spouse First
In marriage, your spouse becomes your equal partner. You and your spouse deserve to be treated as such. When creating a strong marriage is the priority, other things will fall into place around it. Here are a couple examples of how to prioritize your spouse.
1) When you finally get the job, who do you call first? Should you call your dad because he’s been rooting you on since day one? No. Call your spouse! Let them know the exciting news first, THEN, call your dad and tell him all about it.
2) What do you do when mom calls to invite you to a girl’s weekend? Let her know it sounds like something you’d love to do but want to talk with your spouse about it first to make sure it works with your schedule.
This leads into our next step.
2: Give Them Your Time and Attention
Your in-laws raised your spouse, and your parents raised you. Everyone grows up with different family and parenting styles. Every family has established ways of doing things. It can be hard to fit in as a family member to a new family and your spouse will need your support during the transition.
Even when you’re with your own parents and siblings, give your spouse time and attention. Don’t immediately ditch your spouse at the front door so you can go chat with your sister or throw a football with your brothers. Try including your spouse or finding ways your spouse can share their hobbies with your family.
3: Setting Boundaries
Do your in-laws expect you to be at their house for every Sunday dinner? Do your parents expect you to talk on the phone with them each night? Are your in-laws expectations invading the space and time you and your spouse need with each other?
If you don’t have boundaries, it can be easy to get overwhelmed or overworked trying to meet both families’ expectations. By setting boundaries, you will be able to establish rules that work for your family. A boundary may be longer lasting or just for that weekend.
For more help with setting boundaries, visit our blogs: “Setting Boundaries.”
4: Communicate Directly
Part of boundary setting is direct and loving communication. Help your in-laws understand why there is a boundary and why it is important to keep that boundary. Some examples of communicating boundaries are: When my husband tells his family, “No one can ask for haircuts this week because my wife has too much homework.” Another is letting my family know that, “My husband and I need time together too. We can’t come to dinner every Sunday, but we’d love to come once a month.”
5: Respect the Way Your Spouse Connects With Their Family
How do your in-laws connect? Is camping their thing? Shopping? Board games? Dinners? Sports? Wrestling? Video games? Sitting around and talking? Every family has their thing and sometimes it’s hard to find joy in it or connect with it. Over the years, your spouse has learned to find a connection that way. It is important to your spouse. Respecting the way they connect helps your spouse continue strengthening their relationship with their family. Because you can’t meet all of your spouse’s needs on your own, it’s nice to have the family to help them with that.
6: Understand How They Communicate and Express Love
If your in-laws don’t express love the same way you do, it can be hard to understand their love. When my husband and I were dating, it was weird for me to not hear a handful of family members calling out “I love you” as we’d leave after dinner. I remember feeling unwelcome. Over time, when his dad came to help us put flooring in our apartment and his mom giving me some measuring cups, she thought I’d like, I recognized those were their ways of expressing love. It was different than my family, and took me some time to recognize it, but they were expressing love. Every family communicates differently, some are similar, others are not. Take the time to recognize how your in-laws communicate and express love. It may even help you understand the best way to communicate love to your spouse in a way they’ll understand.
7: Hold Back the Insults
Do you leave the in-laws and just want to tell your spouse, “Your family is so…” and then list off all the negative things you noticed? That’s not uncommon, I’ve been there too. Sometimes there are things you just feel like you need to get off your chest, and you may feel you are doing a service to your spouse by pointing out the imperfections in his family. I’ve noticed, when I do that, it is not a service to my husband, instead, it hurts our relationship because of my negativity towards his family. Your spouse’s family will do things differently that you do and that’s just how it is. No two families are alike. Rather than focusing on the negatives, use the magic ratio 5:1. This means if you’re going to say 1 negative thing you noticed, make sure you can say 5 positives you’ve noticed to. This magic ratio helps you recognize what is good and saves the pain of a negative comment for something that truly is important.
8: Gratitude
Sometimes, in-laws can be so hard to deal with and it may seem like no good comes out of your relationship with them. When all else fails, and there’s nothing positive you can focus on, remember your in-laws raised your spouse. Your in-laws gave your spouse life. Your spouse is the person you fell in love with because of the way your spouse was raised by your in-laws. By focusing on being grateful for what you have now, it can help you remember the good you in-laws have brought in your life.