Looking back, everyone has something they feel bad about or regret. Like a parent yelling at their kids, or someone saying or doing something hurtful to their spouse. When someone feels bad about something, there are two different negative feelings that can occur – shame or guilt.
While there are similarities, there is a stark difference that is important to be aware of. One way is destructive and emotionally hurts the person while the other can be used to recognize and better a situation.
Shame
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Focused on BEING
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Affects your thoughts about who you are
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Looks like: “I am a bad person,” “I am a mistake,” “I’m not good enough”
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Increases depression, suicide, eating disorders, bullying, addiction
Guilt
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Focuses on DOING
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Recognizes what you did
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Looks like: “I did something bad,” “I made a mistake,” “I wish I hadn’t done that”
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Increases accountability for our thoughts, feelings, and actions
You may read that and think, they’re still pretty similar. Yes, they are, but there are differences. For example, maybe you had a rough morning or week. Were you ever ornery or did you say something rude to someone and now you feel bad about it?
When feeling shame, the focus is on how one feels about themselves. “I am a terrible spouse. I am a mean person. I am a bad person.” These often feel either unchangeable or truly difficult to change. Shameful feelings about oneself can lead to hopelessness or even worthlessness.
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As Brené Brown defines, in a 2010 TED talk, “Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection?”
Understanding shame helps one to grasp why shame so often leads to depression, bullying, and addiction. If one shames themselves into believing they are a mean person, those beliefs may lead them to continue acting like that. If someone shames themselves into believing I am bad, I’m not good enough, it can spiral one’s their depression. If someone shames themselves constantly thinking I am an addict, they will have a harder time getting away from “being” the addict.
In a 2012 TED talk, Brené Brown said:
“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, “I am bad.” Guilt is, “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”
When feeling guilt, the focus is on what one did. “I said something rude. I didn’t think before I spoke. I hurt my spouse.” The recognition of what one has done, though still painful, feels more capable of being changed and amended.
Later in the talk, Brené Brown explains:
“Here’s what you need to know even more: Guilt is inversely correlated with [addiction, depression, violence, bullying and aggression]. The ability to hold something we’ve done, or failed to do, up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.”
Guilt can be used to help one grow and change. A parent may realize, “I was really mean to my kid.” This is something that can change, apologies can be made, and the parent has hope of improving their actions.
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Shames leads one to isolate themselves (or what’s happened) in secrecy and hopelessness. Guilt can be a stepping stone to help a person recognize the problem isn’t who they are, but what they did – it leads to seeking help and making changes to positively affect the future.
Are you having a difficult time recognizing the difference between guilt and shame in your life?
Is a past experience holding you back from what you want to do and who you want to be?
We are here to help you. The therapists at Cache Valley Counseling want you to feel your best. They are ready to listen to what you are going through and they have the tools you need to get you where you want to be. To see if meeting with a therapist here is a good fit for you, click the link below for a free discovery visit.