Through intimacy, couples are able to bond and create more closeness, friendship, and unity. Over time, as life happens and each person in a marriage changes, a couple will often feel lulls or struggles with their intimacy.
Common struggles in intimacy
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Incompatible Sex Drive. Many couples feel like there is the spouse who is always asking for more and the one who always says no.
Truth is, a couple will never have the same sex drive. Rather, there will always be the spouse who wants more and the one who doesn’t want it as much. Sometimes, those levels can vary to the extreme of the one who always wants sex being married to one who never wants sex. Other times, while there is still always one with a higher and one with a lower sex drive, they may be a little closer to the same level.
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Lack of Communication – You’ve probably seen quotes that say something like, “Marry someone who knows you so well, they know what you’re going to say before you say it.” It sounds so nice, but in reality, it’s the unrealistic “Hollywood version” of love. Though the situations these quotes portray are not going to happen that way (especially not 100% of the time), some people still hope, and sometimes expect, their spouse to be that kind of perfect.
Many feel like their spouse should just know what they want in a marriage, in bed, in life – but, your spouse won’t know unless you tell them. Others simply have a hard time talking about it because they don’t want to feel judged, rejected, start a fight, or they aren’t even sure themselves what they want.
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Lack of Intimacy – Intimacy isn’t only about sex. Intimacy comes in various shapes and forms. There is emotional intimacy, recreational intimacy, intellectual intimacy, physical intimacy (cuddling and touch, not sex), affection, etc. When one or several areas of intimacy are lacking, couples often notice that their sexual intimacy lacks as well.
Lack of intimacy can stem from (and add to) unmet emotional needs.
To better understand what this means and how to meet emotional needs such as affection, honesty and openness, support, and sexual fulfillment, read “How to Meet Emotional Needs.”
The Fish Bowl Effect
As mentioned above, as life happens and each person in a marriage changes, over time, a couple will often feel lulls or struggles with their intimacy. While it’s not uncommon to have these, many couples want to improve their intimacy.
Intimacy is like fish food. Did you ever have a fish? The first little while (or day) you’re really good at feeding your fish little bits throughout the day. One day you completely forget, but the little fish seems to somehow still be getting along fine.
Then another day you get busy and dump half the food container in the fish bowl hoping it will last until next time you can get to it. Well, from personal experience, I’ve learned that doesn’t work. You end up with an upside down lifeless fish in your bowl.
When couples depend only on big events, like an anniversary or holiday, to “save” their intimacy, I call this the “Fish Bowl Effect.” In other words, you may be starving your marriage of needed intimacy and then attempting to dump an extended period of time’s fish food (intimacy) into your fish bowl (marriage) to save it.
In marriage, intimacy is something that needs to be strengthened and rekindled regularly. It is built little by little. One wonderfully intimate moment, day, week, or even year won’t satisfy you for the rest of your life.
What can you do?
Maintaining intimacy throughout a marriage has many benefits. Think back to some of the best times with your spouse. You probably felt more understood, happier, and you wanted to be with your spouse. Francis Bacon (1925) believed there were two effects of being attached intimately with a partner, “It redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.”
Intimacy is strengthened by being open with your spouse and validating when your spouse is open with you. It can be built by spending quality time together. Setting goals and working on them together also increases intimacy. Giving your spouse a big hug when they get home, kissing for 7 seconds before bed, and snuggling during a movie are all great ways to improve non-sexual physical intimacy.
Don’t save intimacy for anniversaries and holidays, rather, celebrate it all of the days. Each day find a little something you can do for your spouse to appreciate them and let them know you love them. Don’t let the intimacy in your marriage turn into a lifeless, upside down fish.
Are you unsure where to begin to elevate the intimacy in your relationship?
Does it feel like you’ve done everything, but the intimacy is still not where you want it to be?
Couples counseling offers a safe environment for couples to learn and understand
what needs to be done and how to do it.
To learn more about couple’s counseling and how to get your first visit free, click the link below.