Strategies for Sharing Custody with an Ex
Chelsea Petersen & Sadie Croshaw
Ending a marriage could be one of the most painful choices a person makes. And while it’s crucial to take care of your own healing throughout and after the process, if kids are involved, there’s a whole separate issue to handle. There is no need to feel guilt for getting divorced. Your divorce does not need to doom your child to mental illness and suffering. (But before we go on, let’s pause for a moment and make sure you are aware that your pain and your feelings are valid. As you navigate through this experience, seek help from mental health professionals. Request a free discovery visit with one of our counselors to get started.)
Every divorce is unique. Individual participants are all unique, so it’s important to remember that you and your ex-spouse are unique; however, here are a few ideas you can implement as you find the right way for you to share custody.
TL;DR tips:
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Do all you can to remain friends with your ex
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Be kind
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Support your kids together
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Support your ex, don’t degrade them
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Never speak poorly about your ex (or their new partner, if applicable)
Why:
Your kids will be supported from all angles
Your kids aren’t stuck in the middle of a nasty relationship
Your kids will be healthier and will be able to have a model to follow in navigating conflict
Your kids will feel and be safer
Your kids will have a better chance at thriving
Of course, in divorce, there are hurt feelings–even deep pain. It can be incredibly difficult not to sit in feelings of resentment toward your ex. With that in mind, remember that your ex is likely experiencing similar feelings of hurt, pain, and resentment. You may have attempted therapy before coming to the decision to divorce, but people often think that once they’ve come to that decision, therapy is no longer necessary. It didn’t solve marital problems, so that’s that.
On the contrary, once the decision has been made to end the marriage, therapy will be such a key to understanding how to move forward with this new life configuration.
You and your ex need to separate your personal relation from your parental relationship.
One of the tactics to help with that is being able to separate your feelings from your emotions. Again, assure that your feelings are validated through therapy and adult relationships, but disclosing your complicated feelings about your ex to your child can burden them with conflict they don’t have the capability of understanding. Helpguide.org has a great list of tools to enact as you work with your ex. We’ll share our favorites with you:
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Set a business-like tone. Approach your relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Speak to your ex as you would to a colleague–with cordiality, respect, and neutrality.
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Make requests. Instead of making demands, try framing statements as requests. “Would you be willing to…?” or “Can we try…?”
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Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you’ve understood their point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice their opinions.
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Keep conversations kid-focused. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or their needs; it should always be about your child’s needs only.
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Quickly relieve stress in the moment. It may seem impossible to stay calm when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse who has hurt you in the past or has a real knack for pushing your buttons. But by practicing quick stress relief techniques (follow Cache Valley Yoga on YouTube and Instagram for ideas!), you can learn to stay in control when the pressure builds.
Think of it this way. When you need to have a conversation with your ex, remember DEAR MAN:
D: describe the factual, objective situation
E: express your feelings about the situation
A: assert what you want/need from them
R: reinforce them with a promise of what they’ll receive from you
M: be mindful of the day/time/situation that’s best to have the conversation
A: appear confident, avoiding stuttering or questioning yourself as you speak
N: negotiate, when necessary. To meet your child’s needs, negotiations will likely be needed
Above all, never be afraid to get help. This is an important transition that deserves care and great consideration. Each relationship is different, so when you’re struggling to figure out your own shared custody journey, we can help! Get scheduled with Chelsea for a discovery visit here!