Written by Spencer Dutson, LAMFT, EMDR Trained Therapist
Before talking about how grief and trauma are similar and different, I want to start by talking about “reality.” I put that in quotes, because our “reality” is dependent on our perspective and experiences, which are subjective. I like to remember this by saying, “perspective/experience = reality”. Let me give you a few examples!
Example 1: The Car Crash
Let’s say that you and I are driving. We get to an intersection where it’s green, but a distracted driver runs a red light and t-bones our car. Because you and I are different, one of us may come out of that experience with PTSD-like symptoms, and the other is okay (albeit a little shaken up).
Example 2: Death of a Loved One
You and I share a mutual loved one. We are both equally close to this person, but when they pass away suddenly, one of us has a much harder time healing from the loss (to the point of not being able to get out of bed, losing work, and feeling very down).
We often look at situations like this and wonder, “why did one person handle it better than the other?” Well, the answer is again:
perspective/experience = reality
This is why it’s totally possible for two people to go through the same thing, and come out of it with different “realities” or impacts. This is why one person may experience grief when the other could experience trauma.
Please know that your experience is normal and shouldn’t be downplayed just because someone else isn’t experiencing it the same way as you.
What is Grief?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines grief as: “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”
Some defining factors of grief:
Triggered by loss of any kind
Comes with deep/powerful emotion
Can last days or even years
Typically gets better with time
Various stages of grief, etc.
What is Trauma?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines trauma as: “a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.”
If you are interested in learning more about trauma and a specific therapy proven to help (EMDR), please see this earlier article.
Is What I’m Experiencing Grief or Trauma?
Based on the above explanations, I would recommend that anyone asking this question, start by looking at their experience and determining how “stuck” they feel (in addition to the points in the “What is Grief” section above). With grief, we typically will feel that with time, it gets significantly better. Time is relative, of course, but if you feel that with each passing day, it’s getting better (and you aren’t just bottling things up), then it’s safe to say you are probably experiencing grief.
On the other hand, trauma tends to stick around, and time usually does not significantly help. With trauma, the negative feelings connected to the memory will also feel more vivid and will be harder for you to just push them away.
Bottom Line: Get Help
Either way, please know that you don’t have to suffer with trauma or grief. Therapy can help! At the very least, talk with a therapist who specializes in treating grief or trauma to get a professional opinion about what you are experiencing and what your treatment options are. I personally would love to visit with you. Please feel free to schedule a free 30-minute Discovery Visit with me.