Written by Spencer Dutson, LMFT, CEFT
On empathy Brene Brown has said (you definitely want to watch this short video … go ahead, click the link), “Empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection.”
But, what is empathy, and how is it different from sympathy? I would define sympathy as saying to someone, “that sounds hard.” Empathy on the other hand may be saying something more like, “that sounds hard,” … but adding feeling to it. You see, as Brene Brown says, empathy is all about connection, and connection happens when we feel with those around us.
On a biological level, we are wired for empathy. All of us have within our brains what are called mirror neurons. Just like a mirror, when someone expresses an emotion, your mirror neurons will reflect that feeling back to them through you. This means that you feel their emotion. So while it does take practice to know how to most effectively respond with empathy to those around us, we have within all of us the natural ability to be empathetic, thanks to mirror neurons.
In my work with couples, I have seen in front of me countless couples who experience the pain of disconnection that can come from a variety of sources. One thing that I see them all having in common is that their reactions get in the way of empathy. It is after all, very hard to be empathetic to our partners when they are reacting.
Using Empathy to Improve Your Relationship
The first key to using empathy to improve your relationship is to give empathy space; a fighting chance. To do this, you have to know the negative pattern(s) that your relationship gets stuck in (to get a better idea of why these happen and how to work through them, checkout this article). With that awareness you have a better chance of being able to recognize and stop the negative reactions that will naturally come up in your relationship.
With that space you can then practice empathy most effectively by using it in the following two ways. The first way is to show your partner that you understand why they may be reacting. Everyone reacts negatively to different things. It kind of reminds me of the quote, “don’t judge me because I sin differently than you do.”
By being able to tell our partners that we can understand why they may be doing X because of Y, we are helping them to see that we get them and still want to be with them despite their reactions. This type of empathy is by no means giving your partner a justification for acting out and hurting you. They still have to own their negative reactions, but what this does is it allows them to feel an open door when in the past it may have felt shut.
Second, empathy helps us to connect with our partners in their pain that leads to that reaction in the first place. This is where the real power of empathy can come into your relationship! By showing empathy to your partner’s deepest pains and hurts (when they are ready to share those) you provide a space for them to heal. When we receive this type of empathy our bodies calm down, we feel more at peace, and we feel more connected to one another.
Empathy, in many respects, is like riding a bike. It’s one of those things that you can understand on a basic level, but to really get the thrill out of it, you have to experience it. So, do it! Try to be more empathetic in your relationship with your partner and watch and see how it will change it!