Therapist Post: Handling Negativity

Written by Heather Ballingham ACMHC

I am pretty sure I am not the only one who can pick out the person who is a consistent Negative-Ninny. That one person in our family, in our neighborhood, or colleague at work; the one who we think sees the glass half empty, then insists they are just a hard-edged realist (After all someone needs to be… {see me rolling my eyes?})

With the Negative-Ninny, things are never good enough. They tend to always be the ‘victim’ of something and are quick to blame others for their behavior. You may think about this person, and recognize, “I’m pretty used to their negativity and I can just let it roll right off my back!”

BUT this is only after a lot of practice, patience, and time. It used to really take a lot of my energy to even be around such negative people, because it is so incredibly draining. There are a few different types of draining energies, but all them stream from one core value: NEGATIVITY.

WHAT ARE THE DRAIN TYPES?

Remember, I personally  am not innocent of negativity in my life. I too complain from time to time without even realizing I am doing it. It is pretty much a part of our culture nowadays (or feels that way). Dr. Kowalski, a professor of psychology at Clemson University, explains that everyone complains at least a little at some point in their lives.

There are different varieties of complainers. I am sure that like me, you can stick a face (maybe even your own face) to the different types:

  • Venters: This is a very dissatisfied and disappointed person who does not want to hear solutions, no matter how helpful or obvious they may be - they just want to ‘vent’ about their problems and leave it at that. 

  • Sympathy Seekers: You know the type. The ones who are constantly fishing for attention with their, ‘I’ve got it worse that you do’ attitude, or their constant ‘everything and everyone sucks’ attitude.

  • Chronic Complainers: those that live in a state of complaint - some researchers refer to them as “ruminators”. Basically, it means thinking and complaining about a problem over and over. Instead of feeling a release after complaining or venting, this complainer can actually make things work, and cause more worry and anxiety within themselves.

I am not suggesting you give up all the bad habits you’ve ever had and try to be a perfect or clean free-flying Positive Ninny. No, not even close. Having moments of negativity are normal, and our systems/brain/body encourage it in order to ‘reset’. Weird, huh? The trick is to be mindful of your negative attitude and behavior. Ask yourself, “Am I being excessively negative?” Why is it important to ask that? Because negativity breeds negativity. (You may be thinking ‘oh crap, it is me, I am making it worse… now what?’)

Being NEGATIVE Rewires Your BRAIN

I believe we are the sum of all our experiences.  That makes sense. A neuropsychologist, Hebb, believed that neurons which fire together, wire together. What does that mean? Groups of neurons connect in our brain as a result of particular life experiences.

For instance, when we think a thought, or have a feeling or physical sensation, thousands of neurons are triggered and they ALL get together to form a neural network. The brain then learns to trigger the same neurons with repetitive thinking.

Basically, if you keep your mind focused on criticism, being a victim, worry, and hate, your mind will easily bring up those same thoughts for similar situations. Our thought patterns wire our brains to react positively or negatively to the situations we encounter.  What we practice we excel at or get better at. So…. Why don’t we try to be more POSITIVE, Huh?

FOUR TRICKS TO AVOID NEGATIVITY

  1. Be Grateful: Recognize even the smallest things each and every day.

  2. Catch Yourself: Be quick to catch yourself in a complaint or negativity. Stop complaining. Compliment others. Pat yourself on the back for being aware!

  3. Make a New Groove: Humans are amazing, we can create a brand-new groove and a brand new you for pleasant feelings. The more we allow our mind to remember the good things around us, the easier that kind of reactive thinking becomes.

  4. Wise Effort: Practice wise effort, which is letting go of that which is not helpful and creating that which is skillful or successful.

Let’s get personal. I am a normal human being. I am part therapist, but I am more human than I am therapist.  Many years ago, I went through a devastating time in my life. In less than 4 months, my husband left and abandoned me and my family for some hmm, I’ll avoid naming it (I will be kind, fill in the blank). My second son with severe disabilities moved into a group home on his 9th birthday, the youngest child in the state to be placed in a group home who was not in foster care or in an abusive situation (yay me, he and I are pioneers… whatever). My mother died suddenly from a devastating fall the same week my divorce was final. I hit a deer and lost a tooth same week.  I lost our home. Started working full time after no real work experience in 10 years. 

I felt like I had it worse than any other person and I am sure I behaved that way.  I remember the emotions I felt more than anything, and it was not good. I realized I often went an entire day or two not smiling or laughing or seeing the good around me.

One morning I woke up and declared, (no really, I declared and wrote down) I am not a victim of this, and this will not define who I am.  It changed so much of my attitude and emotions. I realized others around me must either be exhausted with me or enjoy the drama and gossip I provided.  I did not want to be that person.

I, Heather Ballingham, choose to find the positive, choose to find one thing each day I am grateful for. I will practice wise effort, create a new groove, be grateful and be quick to catch myself. I often tell clients, find one person you trust; it can’t be your spouse, child, or parents, too many problems with that. Am I right? Ask this person, “if you see me being extremely negative, or anxious or falling back into extreme depression will you tell me? If I ask you will you be truthful?”

Take care of yourself.  You are worth it.